Day 98 of #100Daychallenge
The last two months have been interesting for me. I entered my first polyamorous relationship set up and soon after had my first experience of my lover taking another lover. I had many wobblies, insecurity attacks, moments of resentment and confusion. It’s been an interesting few months of regular processing, choice making, moving on, getting stuck, and being okay with things. This last couple of weeks have been transformational. Although I had another wobbly that shocked me, I made a choice to be okay with things. This last few days have been my days off work and I have taken them as a time to intensively process my feelings and my anxieties. I mostly did that using Byron Katie’s Judge Your Neighbour Worksheets, journalling, and meditation. Being me, I also planned on a piece of ceremony at the end of the process to complete it and to add an element of the spiritual to the intellectual rigours of it all. I have also been nourished this past few days with some lovely man to man intimacy with a new friend, as well as chats and hugs with friends. I have enjoyed it.
Today was my ritual day. Today was two rituals day. I went to the beach. Interestingly, today was also the first day without storms this week. My days of process were all stormy days. I had no choice but to sit indoors and do the work. Over the last few days I learned that I have been holding a lot of unquestioned resentment and old ideas about relationships, sex, and hurt. I went to the beach with a bowl, gathered sea water and sat on a rock. I took a piece of paper and wrote a list of all the people I needed to forgive, including myself several times on that list for various wrong doings. I said my prayers, cast a circle and meditated. I then used a meditation from OBOD to let go of my resentments. When I finished, I took each piece of paper and thought about the person I needed to forgive, how much easier life would be without the idea of hurt I was carrying around, and forgave them. I then put each piece of paper into the sea water, imagining its toxicity being taken from me and into the cauldron of the sea. When I finished, I ended the ceremony, uncast the circle and then I carried the bowl to the water’s edge and gave it to the sea.
I then went to the diving area where people swim every day of the year. I was wearing my swimming shorts under my clothes. There were five other people changing. We all got in the water. It was cold! (not surprisingly for November in Ireland). I stayed in for about a minute, and had a quick swim. I was quite pleased to note that everyone else did the same and one of them was in a wetsuit.
My partner is on holiday. He’s also a member of OBOD and today I wanted to support him in one of his rituals, one from the Order’s course material. He let me know what time he would be doing the ceremony and I said I would do the same ceremony at the same time. It was a very connecting thing for me to do, to feel a part of his journey but also the ceremony itself (focusing on water) was a good one for me to connect with too. As part of his ritual, he was going to have a dip in the sea, so I said I would too. My water was colder. My everything was colder. Organised simulataneous prayer and ritual is common. It creates a sense of community, that you are not alone doing this, that you are held and supported by a wider tribe. Simultaneous ritual today made me feel very close to my partner, even though we were thousands of kilometers apart. And even though he was warm in the sunshine, and I was cold by the sea in an Irish winter having just been for a swim in the even colder Irish water.
Today has been a good day. I have made promises to myself about no more wobblies, about embracing the future and reality, and about forgiving any perceived wrong doing I thought I had a right to feel agrieved by. Holding onto notions of hurt just puts me in eternal victim mode, and that’s not a person I want to be. I like combining highly rational processes to understand myself, with the transrational process of prayer and ceremony. I am curious and a little excited to see how the coming weeks unfold.
Blessings of the water to you. May it remind you that all water is the Sea. Blessings of love to you.