A Work in Progress

Day 63 of #100Daychallenge

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I’ve had an “interesting” week emotionally. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve slept little. I’ve said things I shouldn’t. I learned about my own needs. I’ve asked for things. I’ve learned a lot. These are some of the things I’ve learned, for future reference, about myself and about relating.

1. When I feel hurt, my heart closes, I throw up emotional walls, and I try to find a culprit. That’s not reality. That’s my fear acting out. The feelings are real but it’s not reality I’m seeing.
2. It is very hard for me to feel trust when I’m in shock or fear. I might forget what love is and need reminding.
3. It can take a few days for the shock of feeling hurt to pass. Most of what I will say in those few days is coloured and skewed by fear and anger and I can be unconsciously cruel.
4. When two people withdraw from each other in shock and hurt, almost everything I and they say will be the wrong thing to say. Justifying and fault finding don’t work.
5. It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable over messenger.
6. It’s okay for me to be flawed and weak.
7. It’s good for me to ask for support.
8. It’s okay for me to know where I want to go and it’s okay for me to not be there yet.
9. It is okay for me to know what I have to work on in myself and it is also okay to not be ready to work on it yet.
10. Only I can know and ask for what I need to feel safe, in this moment.
11. I cry easily. When I’m tired, I cry way more easily.
12. If I feel any anxiety, there’s something wrong. When I’m anxious I don’t sleep. I should deal with the anxiety there and then. Trying to rationalise something that hurts when tired is impossible.
13. Writing morning pages and crying all the tears are ways of working out what’s wrong and what I need.
14. Hugs from friends and long walks by the sea are essential.
15. It’s okay for me to be a work in progress and to need more time.

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