Talk me walking

Day 60 of #100Daychallenge

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I am prone to anxiety and worry. I am prone to stress. The worst case scenario is my default option. It’s just how I’m built. I’ve always felt this way. The times where I feel completely at peace, and complete safe, are rare. My sleep is easily troubled. If I experience any anxiety at all, I can’t sleep. I dream fitfully. I wake in the dark. My solution is to walk. Walking doesn’t fix things but it gives me and my body something to do.

I grew up in the countryside and my walk was an hour through the fields that connected from ours. I would walk when I had things to think about, or if I wanted to be alone, or if I had to process any emotions be they anger or fear or sadness. As an adult, walking has been my safe place. In times when I’ve had problems in relationships or worries or I have felt emotionally unsafe, I have walked, for hours. Hours.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I have emotions to process. I went for a three hour walk. I walked by the sea and the river. The night sky was beautifully clear. I saw mars and venus. I saw gemini, leo, orion, and ursa major. I saw the sky lighten with the dawn. It’s a magical thing to see the world transform.

On the 5Rhythms dancefloor, walking is the basis of all my movement. When there is nothing else I can do, I can walk. My knees can soften, and my feet fall one before the other across the floor. I can relax into the rhythm. In walking, I don’t ever leave my problems behind. I take them with me. I talk to them, about them, around them. In walking I pray, sometimes aloud, sometimes in an inner silence asking for grace. Walking is my way to self-soothe, to find some semblance of peace. I don’t think that will ever change, just as I don’t think I will ever stop being prone to anxiety. I am grateful for walks.

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