Day 58 of #100Daychallenge
I woke up heart sore today. I don’t know exactly why. I felt frustrated and tired and sad. I felt like I was on a come down from MDMA. My happy hormones had all gone. I forced (strongly supported) myself to eat and leave the house and walk to town. My heart was heavy. Now it feels okay, not light, and certainly not energised. I had moments of connection this morning that supported me to feel better.
I spoke to you on the phone. I was short-tempered and annoyed by your “helpful” texts. It felt like I was being asked to explain myself, work harder and get to the bottom of feeling shit. All I wanted was to be held. I spoke to you and when I said I felt like crying, I did. That’s all I wanted. That’s all I needed – to be able to say I feel awful, and alone, and that’s okay. Hear me and let me hear you. I walked along the river and found a secluded spot I like. I watched the rowers and then went and leaned against a willow tree. I wanted to climb higher into it but couldn’t get a good foot hold. I spoke to it and let go a little. I noticed tensions in my body release. I chanted with it. I breathed, and over the course of the half an hour or so I stood there, my sighs turned into oxygenating yawns. Deeper, wider breaths.
On the way home I visited Aldi, the shop that makes no sense to me. Ahead of me in the check out was an older man. He had put a packet of bacon rashers in the spot behind his check out belt. I asked if they were his. He put them back with his food and explained that he had a full fried breakfast every morning. He knew that he shouldn’t. He told me that Ballinasloe Fair was on this weekend. I’ve never been I told him. I told him I was from near Buttevant and Cahirmee Fair (both ancient horse fairs). He spoke about episodes from Irish history and how deValera set the country back 70 years or more and handed it to the clergy. He forgot his glasses after he paid for his food. I ran after him to return them.
Today I felt alone, and sad. Today I needed connection. I didn’t need to understand my crap feelings. I needed to feel held. I needed to feel seen. I needed connection and love. Love from you. Love from the trees. Love from strange old men buying bacon.